SAS Chat: Ethnicities and their Women

Much of our research here in the Theory of Everything involves the collaborative sharing of ideas. We will be transcribing some of our more groundbreaking discussions for you to read here in our groundbreaking blog. These blog posts will be labelled as "SAS Chats". Here is the first of many to come. 

Simon: Well here we are once again. Thank you all for joining us on another edition of Sasrotica: the only show that can make anything erotic, including the broner. I'm your host Simon, and I'm joined once again by my man-crush Sam. This is what it would sound like if/when we do podcasts.

Sam: One day we will. Why don't we discuss our ratings of different ethnic cultures and their women? 

Simon: That'll work.

Sam: So this is how I think this baby should work. I say an ethnicity, you give your opinion, I give mine, either of us can rebuttal if we wish, then you throw one out. Let’s see...

A good starter...

African-American

Simon: African American. I've got no beef with them as long as they have a sense of humor. I personally don't find them attractive but I can acknowledge when one is hot or not. Every now and then one will stand out that makes me think, "I'd like a little brown sugar," but that doesn't happen often

Sam: I find a good number of them attractive, and I would have no problem with dating one as long as 1) they hadn't slept with a rapper, NFL Player, or NBA Player and 2) understood that I will never ever enjoy rap on a widespread scale and 3) didn't act like Queen Latifah in "Taxi" with Jimmy Fallon or look like her, but obviously that falls in to the "unattractive behemoths" category.

Simon: So basically if she was white with black skin.

Sam: Hmmm...yeah, I guess you can say that

Simon: I have an uncle who married a black woman. She's beautiful. I can honestly tell him, he's got himself an 8 or 9, easy. For me though, it's an 8 or 9 that I don't envy.

Sam: Which uncle?

Simon: You haven't met him, he lives in Southern California.

Sam: Oh okay. Well my friend, throw it out there. Where we going next?

Simon: You know which and you know why. Greek.

Sam: Hahaha. Oh the history we could tell. Well, Greek women fall into two categories about 95% of the time. Either they are 8.5 or higher, or they are 2 and lower. They have no middle ground. And I lived in the hotbed of Greek women of the world, Greece. So I know. Greek women also have a large amount of 20-footers in the world. Where from 20 feet you think "wow. amazing." but then you get closer and you think "she looks like a werewolf"

Simon: Like most women from that region, they do suffer from large hair growth. Luckily we have laser removal nowadays.

Sam: That’s true too. Mad lip hair. Overall, I would say, decent amount of attractive ones, definitely datable. But...major cultural beefs man. They made a movie that made $60 million of these cultural atrocities that they call "being Greek."

Simon: I could date one or sleep with one, that's where it ends for me. Biggest problem I find is that they think theirs is the greatest culture in the world. Wrong. Was the greatest at one point in time but now it's not. Get over it. "If we're going to be together you need to be Greek." Go fuck yourself, no I don't.

Sam: Oh why? You don't feel like spending your life yelling "OPAH!" while pretending you care about their cultural gayness and how they invented philosophy and invented sex but forgot to introduce it to women? I mean what's not to like?

Simon: The gay philosophical sex. Marriage would not be an option for a Greek girl unless she didn't cram her 1/8th Greekness down my throat every chance she got. Aside from that I've got no problem with them. Unfortunately that's a big problem they have.

Sam: Also, Greeks from Greece, smell like wet foot drenched in dog food

Simon: Question, are Greek women from Greece who are in Greece as arrogant as American born Greeks who have only visited Greece and gone to Greek School? Those are the only I've had contact with.

Sam: Yes, but in different ways. They still strut their cultural heritage. Probably even more so.

Simon: Dag.

Sam: Buuut... American Greeks wear slutty American clothes. Greek born Greeks dress like nuns. So it's worse.

Simon: Oh to choose the lesser of two evils.

Sam: Now, I got one for you. Latinas.

Simon: Rough one. Like Greeks, they're either 8s or 2s, with the odd 8's body with 2's face thrown in there - which would make them 2s. If you can find a Latina who doesn't smell like spice or talk like the Latinas you'd see on Ricky Lake, she's probably a keeper. And if you can find one who knows how to dance a Latin dance or just the bump & grind, you're good.

Sam: I couldn't marry one unless she was 2nd or 3rd generation though man. That whole ties to Mexico and the Catholic Church....and family...and a dad who hates me because he works 92 hours a week and I sleep through 20 of my 40....No thanks.

Simon: I could work with 2nd generation.

Sam: In fact, pretty much I could sum up the ones I would date and wouldn’t with one question: "Is English or Spanish your first language?" That answer would reveal all I need to know.

Simon: For me, as far as long term would go, I'd be really annoyed with a girl whose parents still can't speak English.

Sam: Plus, I feel like their ratio of 8's to 2's is way worse than other 8 to 2 cultures.

Simon: I could agree with that. So we agree: Latinas are a definite maybe.

Sam: Yep. Lots of exceptions needed to make it work. Now throw one out there.

Simon: Indian. We're talking jewel-on-the-forehead Indian and not feather Indian.

Sam: I think Indians can be extremely attractive, and they aren't as much an 8 to 2 culture to me as one would expect, because they seem to have a fair amount of 6's and 7's. Plus, their religions are hilarious, and you can get through several dates just from the unintentional comedy of her trying to describe all the gods they worship.

Simon: I like to assume they all know how to move like Shakira does in her music videos and that just does it for me.

Sam: And they have one of my personal favorite 10's ever in Indira Varma. She’s gorgeous, Google image her. I love it.

Simon: I don't think they're arrogant either.

Sam: Not at all.

Simon: Which is big for me. I could definitely date/do/marry one. You summed them up great.

Sam: dDecent looking, not arrogant, hilarious religion. Oh and plus, part of their religion is freaky deeky sexual positions.

Simon: Aha. That puts them up there automatically.

Sam: I mean, you can tell her "Shiva the god of death will get you if we don't do page 37 here in the Kama Sutra" Boo yah.

Simon: And then she cock blocks with "we met at church camp."

Sam: "Yeah.... let's break up."

Simon: Let it be known. There’s always a way out of a cock block.

Sam: Okay, here is a biggy, Arab. Quick aside: we are dealing with Christian Arabs, not Muslim Arabs since they don't marry non-Muslims and dress head to toe in window drapes.

Simon: Biggy is right. Several 7s and up wandering around. Downside, the fact that they were raised to make babies and eternally rely on their parents.

Sam: And their culture pretty much destroys any and all sexual creativity.

Simon: If you were going to date one you'd need to have a good job, good car or find one who was rebelling.

Sam: And you will never see your family again on a major holiday, as it will always be at their family's place you go.

Simon: If you were going to marry one you'd better like her parents because you're living down the block and if you don't you'll see them in church every Sunday. And if you're going to marry you'd better come to an agreement on how long you two are holding off on children, then slip birth control into everything you give her. Big plus, they know how to cook. Down side, they love their sister's 10 month old more than they love you.

Sam: Down side, they don't enjoy any sort of recreation. Down side, your friends are not allowed in the house until they marry an Arab. Down side, they slowly choke the life out of you like a boa constrictor on a squirrel with comments like "Sam can't come over anymore - he drinks too much."

Simon: I don't ever want to leave a poker night by having my friend ask "going to make babies?" and mean have sex, but I answer "yes" and mean my wife is going to be 3 months pregnant with my 3rd child when I wake up.

Sam: Now, you got another one for me?

Simon: Yes. Russian.

Sam: 8 to 2 culture. Bad ratio. Horrid family traditions. Balloon up to 400 pounds by 40, even the hot ones. Hate life. No sense of humor. Love the motherland more than you. In other words, NEVER. Plus I have dated a Russian, and it was miserable.

Simon: I can imagine, I witnessed a friend date a Russian.

Sam: Well, your friend dated a whale from the Volga Sea. I don't know if that technically counts as dating a "Russian".

Simon: Good point. Still, it was bad for me.

Sam: True, and explains your irrational fear of the word "blowhole" to this day.

Simon: I’d be on one side of the couch and they'd fall over the opposite arm of the couch kissing. Him on top of her, which was the only safe way to do it.

Sam: Oh my...moving on quickly to avoid permanent brain scarring: Jewish.

Simon: I think I could date. There are some hot, cool Jewish moms where I work. They'd have to be Jews for Jesus if we were going to get serious though.

Sam: True, my problem is I just can't stand their culture. I hate their culture.

Simon: I haven't had much experience with Jewish culture, only having found out recently that I technically am Jewish.

Sam: I can't stand it, unless it guaranteed me a job as a writer in Hollywood. I could put up with it then.

Simon: Money will do that. Alright, anything more to add on Jews?

Sam: nope

Simon: French.

Sam: Some pretty hot. Really fucking pale though. Nice language, enjoy the bedroom, extremely snoody. Non-marriage material. Think their culture is king. Crap food that they brag is the best food.

Simon: I could handle the pale and would love to hear French whispered in my ear during sex. But I’ve nothing more to add. You pegged them.

Sam: Let's see. Italian.

Simon: Beautiful mostly. Like to cling to their parents. Probably won't have sex outside of marriage unless they're Italian Americans. And even then if they're Catholic you've got little hope..

Sam: Yep. Totally agree.

Simon: Australian.

Sam: Hot. Awesome accent. Amazing tans. Amazing party girls. Love the beach. Not attached to family. They love American accents. What is there not to like?

Simon: Couldn't agree more. They're great for a fling while you're in Australia or while they're here. And if you wanted to marry you'd have a way into Australia which wouldn't be a bad place to live. I’d date/do/marry.

Sam: Agree.

Simon: They might actually be at the top of my list. Also, very friendly not at all hard to approach; helps your chances and hers.

Sam: Yeah, they're up there. British.

Simon: Not as impressed with our accents, hit or miss beauty, not attached to family, that's about all I know of them. I’d give it a try though.

Sam: I would too, but as a whole, freaking hideous.

Simon: Right, bad teeth.

Sam: How in the hell did they give spawn to American and Australian girls?

Simon: Well they sent all the felons to Australia, so the felons must've looked good. As for America, we weeded out the ugly Brits with a little thing I like to call the Salem Witch Trials.

Sam: Tis true. Very true.

Simon: "Witch" is commonly misunderstood to mean the magical hag, but in fact we were just killing those who looked like the typical magical hag

Sam: I couldn't believe it when we encountered that in our research for the Theory. Well...we should probably wrap this bitch up.

Simon: Alright one more: white girls, American white girls.

Sam: Very good. Range all over the place in terms of looks. Different slight cultural variations that can be fun in their environments, such as Southern girls' penchant for heavily fried foods, SoCal girls' lack of self esteem at all times and Northern girls...wait. Northern girls look like John Goodman. Scratch them. But in the Southeast, Southwest and Western USA, they're great.

Simon: Good for a fuck, difficulty in getting them into the sack varies, not attached to family or too serious about having kids right away and they like to look good.

Sam: Yep.

Simon: That's a wrap. On behalf of Sam and myself I’d like to thank everyone for joining us today. Tune in next time as we continue to explore the Theory of Everything.

My Uncle is in My Craw

Like he knows better than I do?

I was with family recently and found myself in a conversation my uncle, some 23 years older than me, the one who reminisces and is an authority on everything; you’ve probably got that family member. Our conversation turned to video games.

“You know Simon, the last video game I played was that Goldeneye game back when it came out and I played it because you asked me to,” he started. From there he tells me that a couple weeks prior a friend invites him to play Gears of War 2.

“That game is so addicting,” he claims. “We played through the story and then we went onto the Horde mode.”

He details his rise in prowess; going from “stuck looking at my feet” to “being able to revive my bud” in several hours time. Then he tells me a harrowing tale about how he and Don (I think that's his name), had their Horde game saved at level 47. They came together a couple days prior to our conversation and said “let’s just finish this.” And you know what? They did. They fucking beat level 50 on the Horde.

I told him Gears never caught my attention, that after beating the story I only got to level 10 on the Horde because I got so bored, and that I was barely able to beat the story before said boredom took over. He was shocked. How could I not find Gears of War 2 addicting or fun? He asked about how I played the Horde. Which map, where I took cover, what weapons I used. He gives me good marks for where I made my stand but scolded me for my poor choice in weaponry – a sniper rifle and Lancer assault rifle. For the record I should’ve used a Boomshield, shotgun and Hammer of Dawn. I try to tell him that it doesn’t matter what I used because I would’ve been bored either way. He tells me he “logged about 200 hours in the last two weeks on Gears of War, and it’s an addicting game.”

“Ridiculous,” I think to myself. I’m an avid gamer and have been since Nintendo 64 and Nintendo before that. I play games to get into a compelling story, to play with friends, to utterly destroy others around the world, to simply get better or to just pass the time. And in all my years as a gamer, as an Xbox Live member, I’ve never played 200 hours in two weeks or even in three; I know he’s exaggerating or if it’s true, it’s just pitiful by any standards. Still, this boast of his lets me know that he thinks he knows what he’s talking about, and even further, he thinks he knows more than me on the subject. He doesn't. He's played Gears of War 2 for two weeks. I've played the Halo franchise avidly since I bought an Xbox when it first released. Among friends, who were all avid gamers, I dominated on Halo: Combat Evolved. I graduated to Live and Halo 2, from there I went to Halo 3. A statue of me stands at the entrance to Bungie. Rainbow Six Vegas is my bitch in any game mode. Any other game I come across, Elder Scrolls, Assassin's Creed, Lara Croft, Bejewelled, finds itself penetrated by me. I'm a fucking demi-god. It really sticks in my craw when people talk to me like they know more than me when they so clearly don’t. I usually let him slide because he’s family, but this day he touched a subject dear to me. 

So I tell him that there are certain things that I thought were cool about Gears, but overall it sucks compared to games such as Rainbow 6 Vegas or the Halo franchise and, in my opinion, only achieved popularity because they wanted a shooter game on XBOX 360 and Halo 3 had yet to come out.  It's much like the 6 you let suck your dick while your 9 fuck buddy is out of town even though the 6 doesn’t deep throat. I even listed them for him, as I’ll do for you now.

Pros:

• Gears of War 1 & 2 enables you to use cover – much like in RSV.
• In the Horde mode you don’t have to go looking for the enemies but can remain in one defensive spot, whereas in RSV you need to move forward to spawn terrorists in Terrorist Hunt.

And that’s all I can think of. Let’s move on.

Cons:

• The story is not compelling and little background is given.
• No explanation for why the Locust Horde must fight the humans is given. So I am to believe that for hundreds of years, despite study of the earth and the technology our scientific community possessed, a large race of hybrid mole people lived under the earth developing comparable technology?
• Mention of a prior war is made but no history is given on it. Halo, on the other hand, offers complete background on characters and story from the get-go; there are even books to fill the cracks. And I truly believe that humanity is threatened by something more than angry, hybrid mole people.
• The characters aren’t believable.
• Every male in the story looks like a professional football player with bulging muscles; the main characters look like defensive linemen and the others look like running backs. Those women that are seen look like models. The bulk of the enemies look identical to the humans except they have jagged teeth and grey, reptilian skin. Likewise there are at least 5 types of enemy species – dinosaurs, spiders, shrieking monkeys, humanoids, larger humanoids – all of which are friendly to one another but hostile to their surface brethren. At least with the Covenant it is shared with all that these are separate species come together, some by force others by reason and gamers aren’t left to believe that they all were spawned from one human looking queen.
• The weapons and vehicles are unattractive and gay.
• The weapons and vehicles look like random tools were welded together because there was no time to prepare properly, almost like in Evil Dead. I’d like to know how it is that there’s a floating, invisible robot that’ll obey my every command following me the entire game and yet I have to reload the sniper rifle after every shot. The tank in Gears looks like a supped up monster truck with a tank turret, which, despite it's height and weight, doesn't roll or even tip on sharp turns. The destroyed civilian cars themselves look like tanks; granted they appear to be made to fit and large-bodied humans.
• Aside from the lowest form of the LH, it is necessary to reload twice before putting down an enemy. With their likeness to humans, understanding of our language and similar weaponry, I find their resiliency to my guns hard to believe.
• Fighting the final boss is gay.
  
  
  
• I'm a badass, but if I were a badass with a smoker's voice who had a metrosexual Latino for a friend and I saw a new alien jump 70 feet into the air, land on a tank and cut it in two with a chainsaw bowstaff, I'd want to kick his ass the old fashioned way. And the old fashioned way does not include flying on a Duke Nukem Octabrain. For the badass that Marcus is made out to be, he let the dick with the staff off too easy.
• 
  

While only a few cons are listed, many more branch from them. I convinced my uncle to try Halo 3, one of my two games of choice. He did and called me to tell me he found it uninteresting. The weapons weren’t “badass” and the fighting wasn’t “realistic” – meaning when he was lucky enough to get a headshot the head didn’t explode into blood.

Nor was he able to use cover, which meant he spent a lot of time looking for cover and getting shot in the back. As with most conversations with this man, I ended it with “we’ll have to agree to disagree.” Which is generous of him to take considering the infinite knowledge of video games accumulated in just 200 hours of Gears play.

N00b.

Posted by Simon

CSI and its spin offs reveal a deterioration of the American Mind

CSI and its spin offs reveal a deterioration of the American Mind.

These shows contain a white, mid 40's douche bag in $5,000 suits (named Jim Brass in CSI, Mac Taylor in CSI: NY, and Horatio Cane in CSI: Miami) bossing around a hot sidekick, a talented minority (Black if in NY, Hispanic in Miami) forensics man, a white nerd just out of Harvard, and the nerd girl who does the same job as the Harvard man, only worse.

 The common, completely ridiculous theme among these CSI shows is the apparent Cart Blanche the cities that each unit resides in has given them. I have never seen a police force so well funded ever. The suits, combined with the car and the $900 designer sunglasses that Horatio wears means that he either gets paid around $350,000 a year, or he had money previously, which begs the question of why in the hell is he a cop in Miami. Also, the lines and the acting are just as ridiculous, right up to Horatio, or as an Arab friend of mine calls him "Douche McGoush", standing there staring at his witness who is obviously lying, pulling the back of his pants up, taking his $900,000 Douche glasses off and saying "Why don't you tell me what's really going on here?" Of course this works every time, whether its on the Iranian Diplomat who could have only gotten there by funding the Iranian state sponsored terrorism at some point in his life, or on the random hooker who just happened to see something while on her back providing her much needed service. No need for interrogation techniques or studies in human psychology to understand the motives of people and try to pry them, or to bully the hooker with a threat of busting her if she doesn't speak up, just a well-played "Why don't you tell me what's really going on here?"

You wanna know what is scary? These shows get ratings, or they wouldn't get made. Apparently staff meetings at CBS must go like this:

Man 1 - "CSI is a huge hit! We need to capitalize on this. Any ideas? Action figures, maybe? Graphic Novel?"

 

Man 2 - "What if... we made a new show... and called it CSI... wait for it... Miami."

Woman 1 - "I love it. Let's get our writers on it immediately. And call casting. I think Kit Kat from the hit movie 'Hudson Hawk' is available."

::2 years later::

Man 1 - "CSI: Miami is a huge hit! We need to capitalize on this. Any ideas? Action figures, maybe? Graphic Novel?"

Man 2 - " I've got it! What if... we made a new show about a specialized team of trendy, hip young adults led by a middle-aged man whose seen it all and is unknowingly looking for redemption for a troubled past?"

Man 1 - "Not bad... I think I know where you are going. But.... we need a name."

Man 2 "How about CSI..... wait for it... New York."

Woman 1 - "I love it. Let's get our writers on it. And call casting. The sick guy from Apollo 13 hasn't been relevant in years. He'll be available."

What do the popularity of these shows reveal? Obviously, it reveals this: The large group of Americans who watch these shows have a deeply ingrained subconscious desire to be murdered in a brutal and deceiving way by the smartest and cruelest of evil men, and then have their murder investigated by an Investigation Team from a random department on a state or federal level, made up of mixed race and gender who are led by a white, middle aged, amazingly arrogant man who is mildly attractive to soccer moms,  and has a sidekick who usually is an extremely attractive female who is smart and in spots of "brilliance" can challenge his alpha dog status which he then re-affirms by actually using the attractive females accomplishments to further his own above and beyond hers, who despite all of the science at his disposal ultimately saves the day by going on a hunch and figuring it all out at the last second before the shit hits the fan.

"Tis not a man worth knowing with the name Horatio. Not past, present, or future."

~Lord Byron 

Posted by Sam

Introducing the Authors

Simon Douglas was born in the autumn of 1888 to the finest whore in Whitechapel. Sadly his mother was mysteriously murdered shortly after giving birth. He was then placed in Geoffrey Manderlay's Home for Stray Boys and Famished Young Men, where he lived until 1900. At that time he wandered into the world, learning and plying various trades such as cobbling, hocking Swedish timepieces on street corners and arson.

 

In 1916, at the suggestion of a physician he frequented an opium den with, Simon traveled to France to try a scone. While enjoying said scone, he heard a boy shout the day's headlines and learned that there was a war going on involving the bulk of the world's powers and Simon felt an adventure creeping up on him. After asking for directions, he found a suitable trench, picked up a gun and began shooting at the Germans. Successfully killing fourteen men and wounding twenty-seven, Simon had his fill of adventure and sought a hot bath.

 

Having satisfied himself, Simon boarded an ocean liner and traveled to America where he made his first fortune in the stock exchange. From this time he lived lavishly in Greenwich Village, entertaining many famous and powerful people of the day – and even impregnating some of them. While those women insisted upon back-alley abortions so that they might keep up appearances, Simon would hear nothing of it and convinced them to raise his children alone.

 

Being rather bored and seeing an opportunity for both fun and profit, Simon used his connections to make Congress outlaw alcohol in the United States. He then took it upon himself to create, distribute and sell alcohol across the country. He had the law repealed only after he owned a gold-plated eagle.

 

He no longer found grand things amusing and decided to change the world in many little ways. Over the years he introduced many to the joys of curry, cock fighting, high-fiving penises, women's rights, Kaballah, root beer floats, and reading. The only thing he ever failed at was perfecting a swan dive from a nine meter platform into 1.5 meters of water; which is why diving in shallow water is prohibited – if he couldn't do it, no one could. In his travels he met Samuel, whom he affectionately calls Samo. The two have a bond linked by their exceptional skill in anything and radical ideas of everything. 

Samuel Herron was born in the midst of the great depression to a couple who worked together in Cirque De Naranzetta Carnivale known as the Bearded Lady and Reptile Man. As was traditional in many of the traveling carnivals of the day, all the members had a hand in raising this spectacularly unique little boy. "Always remember, women are poison," was what the Trapeze Artist known as The Flying Deviant had told him at the young age of 10. These words were to have a profound effect on him in his later life.

At the age of 19, he was required to learn a trade, and he learned the lost art of Marionettes. Since Marionettes had gone out of style ever since the Austrian Empire had receded the ban on live actor performances in 1723, he initially was not recognized for his great talents. So, in 1957 he traveled to great lengths to find his destiny and discovered Hollywood and conned his way into the movie business. After producing such great hits as "The Australian" and "Give 'em Hell, Harry", he once again left to find himself, fleeing the self loathing and self abuse Hollywood led all men to, and he eventually found his way to a small village in rural America called Boston. While in this rural town, Samuel had the feeling that the people of this depressed city needed some form of entertainment, and thus he formed a local baseball team. While him and two other men, George Anston and Robert Fineday, were discussing the name, Fineday stepped in some red paint and said "Oh no, my socks are now red." After having a laugh, Samuel then was hit with a genius idea. "Why don't we name the team the Red Sox!" he exclaimed. All the men were in agreement. However, a week later they were to discover that none of the men enjoyed baseball due to it's extreme periods of inaction and steroid use, and formed a basketball team and named it the Celtics, the name being due to Boston's large Irish ancestry.

In 1992, Samuel ran for President under a pro-freedom campaign, but withdrew before the first primary. He now resides in Nashville, TN where he studies the "Theory of Everything" as Charlie Chaplin called it. On a brief sex-filled, drug-induced foray in the Phoenician desert, he met his partner Simon Douglas who also had deep interest in his "Theory of Everything" and the two became fast friends. Samuel and Simon's research have finally led to some startling conclusions, and have chosen this blog as the medium to reveal their Magnum Opus, their lifes work and blood, their much anticipated "Theory of Everything."