Introducing the Authors

Simon Douglas was born in the autumn of 1888 to the finest whore in Whitechapel. Sadly his mother was mysteriously murdered shortly after giving birth. He was then placed in Geoffrey Manderlay's Home for Stray Boys and Famished Young Men, where he lived until 1900. At that time he wandered into the world, learning and plying various trades such as cobbling, hocking Swedish timepieces on street corners and arson.

 

In 1916, at the suggestion of a physician he frequented an opium den with, Simon traveled to France to try a scone. While enjoying said scone, he heard a boy shout the day's headlines and learned that there was a war going on involving the bulk of the world's powers and Simon felt an adventure creeping up on him. After asking for directions, he found a suitable trench, picked up a gun and began shooting at the Germans. Successfully killing fourteen men and wounding twenty-seven, Simon had his fill of adventure and sought a hot bath.

 

Having satisfied himself, Simon boarded an ocean liner and traveled to America where he made his first fortune in the stock exchange. From this time he lived lavishly in Greenwich Village, entertaining many famous and powerful people of the day – and even impregnating some of them. While those women insisted upon back-alley abortions so that they might keep up appearances, Simon would hear nothing of it and convinced them to raise his children alone.

 

Being rather bored and seeing an opportunity for both fun and profit, Simon used his connections to make Congress outlaw alcohol in the United States. He then took it upon himself to create, distribute and sell alcohol across the country. He had the law repealed only after he owned a gold-plated eagle.

 

He no longer found grand things amusing and decided to change the world in many little ways. Over the years he introduced many to the joys of curry, cock fighting, high-fiving penises, women's rights, Kaballah, root beer floats, and reading. The only thing he ever failed at was perfecting a swan dive from a nine meter platform into 1.5 meters of water; which is why diving in shallow water is prohibited – if he couldn't do it, no one could. In his travels he met Samuel, whom he affectionately calls Samo. The two have a bond linked by their exceptional skill in anything and radical ideas of everything. 

Samuel Herron was born in the midst of the great depression to a couple who worked together in Cirque De Naranzetta Carnivale known as the Bearded Lady and Reptile Man. As was traditional in many of the traveling carnivals of the day, all the members had a hand in raising this spectacularly unique little boy. "Always remember, women are poison," was what the Trapeze Artist known as The Flying Deviant had told him at the young age of 10. These words were to have a profound effect on him in his later life.

At the age of 19, he was required to learn a trade, and he learned the lost art of Marionettes. Since Marionettes had gone out of style ever since the Austrian Empire had receded the ban on live actor performances in 1723, he initially was not recognized for his great talents. So, in 1957 he traveled to great lengths to find his destiny and discovered Hollywood and conned his way into the movie business. After producing such great hits as "The Australian" and "Give 'em Hell, Harry", he once again left to find himself, fleeing the self loathing and self abuse Hollywood led all men to, and he eventually found his way to a small village in rural America called Boston. While in this rural town, Samuel had the feeling that the people of this depressed city needed some form of entertainment, and thus he formed a local baseball team. While him and two other men, George Anston and Robert Fineday, were discussing the name, Fineday stepped in some red paint and said "Oh no, my socks are now red." After having a laugh, Samuel then was hit with a genius idea. "Why don't we name the team the Red Sox!" he exclaimed. All the men were in agreement. However, a week later they were to discover that none of the men enjoyed baseball due to it's extreme periods of inaction and steroid use, and formed a basketball team and named it the Celtics, the name being due to Boston's large Irish ancestry.

In 1992, Samuel ran for President under a pro-freedom campaign, but withdrew before the first primary. He now resides in Nashville, TN where he studies the "Theory of Everything" as Charlie Chaplin called it. On a brief sex-filled, drug-induced foray in the Phoenician desert, he met his partner Simon Douglas who also had deep interest in his "Theory of Everything" and the two became fast friends. Samuel and Simon's research have finally led to some startling conclusions, and have chosen this blog as the medium to reveal their Magnum Opus, their lifes work and blood, their much anticipated "Theory of Everything."