Simon: Well here we are once again. Thank you all for joining us on another edition of Sasrotica: the only show that can make anything erotic, including the broner. I'm your host Simon, and I'm joined once again by my man-crush Sam. This is what it would sound like if/when we do podcasts.
Sam: One day we will. Why don't we discuss our ratings of different ethnic cultures and their women?
Simon: That'll work.
Sam: So this is how I think this baby should work. I say an ethnicity, you give your opinion, I give mine, either of us can rebuttal if we wish, then you throw one out. Let’s see...
A good starter...
African-American
Simon: African American. I've got no beef with them as long as they have a sense of humor. I personally don't find them attractive but I can acknowledge when one is hot or not. Every now and then one will stand out that makes me think, "I'd like a little brown sugar," but that doesn't happen often
Sam: I find a good number of them attractive, and I would have no problem with dating one as long as 1) they hadn't slept with a rapper, NFL Player, or NBA Player and 2) understood that I will never ever enjoy rap on a widespread scale and 3) didn't act like Queen Latifah in "Taxi" with Jimmy Fallon or look like her, but obviously that falls in to the "unattractive behemoths" category.
Simon: So basically if she was white with black skin.
Sam: Hmmm...yeah, I guess you can say that
Simon: I have an uncle who married a black woman. She's beautiful. I can honestly tell him, he's got himself an 8 or 9, easy. For me though, it's an 8 or 9 that I don't envy.
Sam: Which uncle?
Simon: You haven't met him, he lives in Southern California.
Sam: Oh okay. Well my friend, throw it out there. Where we going next?
Simon: You know which and you know why. Greek.
Sam: Hahaha. Oh the history we could tell. Well, Greek women fall into two categories about 95% of the time. Either they are 8.5 or higher, or they are 2 and lower. They have no middle ground. And I lived in the hotbed of Greek women of the world, Greece. So I know. Greek women also have a large amount of 20-footers in the world. Where from 20 feet you think "wow. amazing." but then you get closer and you think "she looks like a werewolf"
Simon: Like most women from that region, they do suffer from large hair growth. Luckily we have laser removal nowadays.
Sam: That’s true too. Mad lip hair. Overall, I would say, decent amount of attractive ones, definitely datable. But...major cultural beefs man. They made a movie that made $60 million of these cultural atrocities that they call "being Greek."
Simon: I could date one or sleep with one, that's where it ends for me. Biggest problem I find is that they think theirs is the greatest culture in the world. Wrong. Was the greatest at one point in time but now it's not. Get over it. "If we're going to be together you need to be Greek." Go fuck yourself, no I don't.
Sam: Oh why? You don't feel like spending your life yelling "OPAH!" while pretending you care about their cultural gayness and how they invented philosophy and invented sex but forgot to introduce it to women? I mean what's not to like?
Simon: The gay philosophical sex. Marriage would not be an option for a Greek girl unless she didn't cram her 1/8th Greekness down my throat every chance she got. Aside from that I've got no problem with them. Unfortunately that's a big problem they have.
Sam: Also, Greeks from Greece, smell like wet foot drenched in dog food
Simon: Question, are Greek women from Greece who are in Greece as arrogant as American born Greeks who have only visited Greece and gone to Greek School? Those are the only I've had contact with.
Sam: Yes, but in different ways. They still strut their cultural heritage. Probably even more so.
Simon: Dag.
Sam: Buuut... American Greeks wear slutty American clothes. Greek born Greeks dress like nuns. So it's worse.
Simon: Oh to choose the lesser of two evils.
Sam: Now, I got one for you. Latinas.
Simon: Rough one. Like Greeks, they're either 8s or 2s, with the odd 8's body with 2's face thrown in there - which would make them 2s. If you can find a Latina who doesn't smell like spice or talk like the Latinas you'd see on Ricky Lake, she's probably a keeper. And if you can find one who knows how to dance a Latin dance or just the bump & grind, you're good.
Sam: I couldn't marry one unless she was 2nd or 3rd generation though man. That whole ties to Mexico and the Catholic Church....and family...and a dad who hates me because he works 92 hours a week and I sleep through 20 of my 40....No thanks.
Simon: I could work with 2nd generation.
Sam: In fact, pretty much I could sum up the ones I would date and wouldn’t with one question: "Is English or Spanish your first language?" That answer would reveal all I need to know.
Simon: For me, as far as long term would go, I'd be really annoyed with a girl whose parents still can't speak English.
Sam: Plus, I feel like their ratio of 8's to 2's is way worse than other 8 to 2 cultures.
Simon: I could agree with that. So we agree: Latinas are a definite maybe.
Sam: Yep. Lots of exceptions needed to make it work. Now throw one out there.
Simon: Indian. We're talking jewel-on-the-forehead Indian and not feather Indian.
Sam: I think Indians can be extremely attractive, and they aren't as much an 8 to 2 culture to me as one would expect, because they seem to have a fair amount of 6's and 7's. Plus, their religions are hilarious, and you can get through several dates just from the unintentional comedy of her trying to describe all the gods they worship.
Simon: I like to assume they all know how to move like Shakira does in her music videos and that just does it for me.
Sam: And they have one of my personal favorite 10's ever in Indira Varma. She’s gorgeous, Google image her. I love it.
Simon: I don't think they're arrogant either.
Sam: Not at all.
Simon: Which is big for me. I could definitely date/do/marry one. You summed them up great.
Sam: dDecent looking, not arrogant, hilarious religion. Oh and plus, part of their religion is freaky deeky sexual positions.
Simon: Aha. That puts them up there automatically.
Sam: I mean, you can tell her "Shiva the god of death will get you if we don't do page 37 here in the Kama Sutra" Boo yah.
Simon: And then she cock blocks with "we met at church camp."
Sam: "Yeah.... let's break up."
Simon: Let it be known. There’s always a way out of a cock block.
Sam: Okay, here is a biggy, Arab. Quick aside: we are dealing with Christian Arabs, not Muslim Arabs since they don't marry non-Muslims and dress head to toe in window drapes.
Simon: Biggy is right. Several 7s and up wandering around. Downside, the fact that they were raised to make babies and eternally rely on their parents.
Sam: And their culture pretty much destroys any and all sexual creativity.
Simon: If you were going to date one you'd need to have a good job, good car or find one who was rebelling.
Sam: And you will never see your family again on a major holiday, as it will always be at their family's place you go.
Simon: If you were going to marry one you'd better like her parents because you're living down the block and if you don't you'll see them in church every Sunday. And if you're going to marry you'd better come to an agreement on how long you two are holding off on children, then slip birth control into everything you give her. Big plus, they know how to cook. Down side, they love their sister's 10 month old more than they love you.
Sam: Down side, they don't enjoy any sort of recreation. Down side, your friends are not allowed in the house until they marry an Arab. Down side, they slowly choke the life out of you like a boa constrictor on a squirrel with comments like "Sam can't come over anymore - he drinks too much."
Simon: I don't ever want to leave a poker night by having my friend ask "going to make babies?" and mean have sex, but I answer "yes" and mean my wife is going to be 3 months pregnant with my 3rd child when I wake up.
Sam: Now, you got another one for me?
Simon: Yes. Russian.
Sam: 8 to 2 culture. Bad ratio. Horrid family traditions. Balloon up to 400 pounds by 40, even the hot ones. Hate life. No sense of humor. Love the motherland more than you. In other words, NEVER. Plus I have dated a Russian, and it was miserable.
Simon: I can imagine, I witnessed a friend date a Russian.
Sam: Well, your friend dated a whale from the Volga Sea. I don't know if that technically counts as dating a "Russian".
Simon: Good point. Still, it was bad for me.
Sam: True, and explains your irrational fear of the word "blowhole" to this day.
Simon: I’d be on one side of the couch and they'd fall over the opposite arm of the couch kissing. Him on top of her, which was the only safe way to do it.
Sam: Oh my...moving on quickly to avoid permanent brain scarring: Jewish.
Simon: I think I could date. There are some hot, cool Jewish moms where I work. They'd have to be Jews for Jesus if we were going to get serious though.
Sam: True, my problem is I just can't stand their culture. I hate their culture.
Simon: I haven't had much experience with Jewish culture, only having found out recently that I technically am Jewish.
Sam: I can't stand it, unless it guaranteed me a job as a writer in Hollywood. I could put up with it then.
Simon: Money will do that. Alright, anything more to add on Jews?
Sam: nope
Simon: French.
Sam: Some pretty hot. Really fucking pale though. Nice language, enjoy the bedroom, extremely snoody. Non-marriage material. Think their culture is king. Crap food that they brag is the best food.
Simon: I could handle the pale and would love to hear French whispered in my ear during sex. But I’ve nothing more to add. You pegged them.
Sam: Let's see. Italian.
Simon: Beautiful mostly. Like to cling to their parents. Probably won't have sex outside of marriage unless they're Italian Americans. And even then if they're Catholic you've got little hope..
Sam: Yep. Totally agree.
Simon: Australian.
Sam: Hot. Awesome accent. Amazing tans. Amazing party girls. Love the beach. Not attached to family. They love American accents. What is there not to like?
Simon: Couldn't agree more. They're great for a fling while you're in Australia or while they're here. And if you wanted to marry you'd have a way into Australia which wouldn't be a bad place to live. I’d date/do/marry.
Sam: Agree.
Simon: They might actually be at the top of my list. Also, very friendly not at all hard to approach; helps your chances and hers.
Sam: Yeah, they're up there. British.
Simon: Not as impressed with our accents, hit or miss beauty, not attached to family, that's about all I know of them. I’d give it a try though.
Sam: I would too, but as a whole, freaking hideous.
Simon: Right, bad teeth.
Sam: How in the hell did they give spawn to American and Australian girls?
Simon: Well they sent all the felons to Australia, so the felons must've looked good. As for America, we weeded out the ugly Brits with a little thing I like to call the Salem Witch Trials.
Sam: Tis true. Very true.
Simon: "Witch" is commonly misunderstood to mean the magical hag, but in fact we were just killing those who looked like the typical magical hag
Sam: I couldn't believe it when we encountered that in our research for the Theory. Well...we should probably wrap this bitch up.
Simon: Alright one more: white girls, American white girls.
Sam: Very good. Range all over the place in terms of looks. Different slight cultural variations that can be fun in their environments, such as Southern girls' penchant for heavily fried foods, SoCal girls' lack of self esteem at all times and Northern girls...wait. Northern girls look like John Goodman. Scratch them. But in the Southeast, Southwest and Western USA, they're great.
Simon: Good for a fuck, difficulty in getting them into the sack varies, not attached to family or too serious about having kids right away and they like to look good.
Sam: Yep.
Simon: That's a wrap. On behalf of Sam and myself I’d like to thank everyone for joining us today. Tune in next time as we continue to explore the Theory of Everything.
Posts
" Sam: Down side, they don't enjoy any sort of recreation. Down side, your friends are not allowed in the house until they marry an Arab. Down side, they slowly choke the life out of you like a boa constrictor on a squirrel with comments like "Sam can't come over anymore - he drinks too much."
ReplyDeleteWow, Christina must really love you.
She does love me, and she is only HALF-Arab.
ReplyDelete