How Useful is Uselessness?

So here at the Theory of Everything we do extremely intensive demographic research for obvious reasons. It's important. In our research we happened to find ourselves in a conundrum of sorts. We found that the most useless demographic had uses. Lots of them. So we are presenting to you a compare and contrast of the usefulness found in the most useless demographic of society: Obese Children.

Uselessness: Obese children are lazy, which is usually related to their obesity. They rarely are good at anything, and they also rarely enjoy anything more than video games and food. Ask an obese child what his interests lie in or what he considers himself good at, they usually stare at you for 37 minutes, start drooling, and in a slobbered tone that comes from the fat in ones cheeks pressing into the mouth due to it running out of room to expand out without flopping down over the jaw line like Nien Nunb from Star Wars and getting in the way of the tongue, they then say "Stho do you like Sthuper Sthmash Brothers? I like it. I like Yoshi!!!!" Then they waddle off to their room and turn on their Nintendo Wii, forgetting you ever existed, and most likely what reality is altogether.

Overall, Obese children are a complete drain on parents and their economic stability, as food by the metric ton along with video games are not cheap. Neither are gas prices, and since a parent would absolutely need an SUV of some sort, and most likely a large one, that just adds even more financial burden. Unfortunately for us who delight in unintentional comedy, the USA has not embraced the beauty and majesty of Sumo wrestling, which also eliminates the only sport where useless fat is embraced and generously rewarded. Now one might say "Well what about American Football?" Those fat boys can move and generally are rather athletic for their size, and do not fall under this demographic as children. The other exception is CC Sabathia of the New York Yankees. Well folks, keep in mind he looked like this less than a decade ago, then turned into this. So obviously, this man waited until after he had made millions of dollars before fattening up. This presents a problem that is a compounding problem. If there are no sports for obese children, then they won't play sports or exercise, thus becoming more obese.

So, with obese children, to recap, they are a complete drain on parents and the middle class family as a whole, and the reward is nil. They grow up to accomplish nothing, and never learn anything not related to Nintendo characters. As a parent, it must be a psychological trauma equal to watching a man cut fingers off one by one and slowly eat them, to then have an obese child you can never emotionally connect with slowly strip you of all joy and disposable income for 25 years. Total uselessness.

Usefulness: As I discussed the results of the uselessness of this demographic with my research partner here at the TOE, he made a very astute point. He said "Flip the perspective." After thinking about it for several minutes I realized he was talking to his computer screen because he hated the camera view of the porno he was watching. You know, the one from the back when all you get is the dudes balls. Disgusting....

Then I thought some more.

and more...

and more...

Then I realized he was (indirectly) right! Flip the Perspective! If I were an executive at Nintendo, I would only have a job BECAUSE of obese children in America. Not only that, during these rough, penny pinching, economic times obese children keep the money flow going in video game electronics AND in grocery stores! So, an argument could be made that to cure this economic crisis we need MORE obese children. No matter how much money parents would want to hold back on, their obese children force them to spend money. Not only that, but where would this blog post be? It wouldn't even exist without them. And neither would Chris Farley. Or fat jokes in general. And lets be honest, fat jokes are the backbone of a billion dollar industry and a children's TV network in Nickelodeon.

Also, everybody knows you want an obese eight year old on a camping trip. Why? Because most people don't really know and are not that confident they could outrun a grizzly bear. But most of us are damn sure we could outrun an obese eight year old. They definitely provide a certain psychological comfort on ANY camping trip.

So their usefulness is paradoxically completely tied to their uselessness!!

These are the things that one must ponder here at the Theory Of Everything.

"Never has my esteem been so high than after watching a fat child try to play with his companions, of which he has none."
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Summer of 1816 in Switzerland