In the Event the Undead Rise

The world is turning into shit. There are civil wars worldwide, familial disputes, murders in the streets, drug and human trafficking, Scientology is popular, and the economy is bad. In my studies and research I’ve come to expect the world, or civilization at the very least, to end soon. In my opinion, the most likely cause of civilization ending is zombies. I’m not talking about the animated corpse of a Voodoo Bokor, I’m talking about the living dead. I’m talking about those mindless masses of shuffling – potentially sprinting – brain eaters. While it’s unpleasant to think about, they’re a real, potential problem to everyone and they must be addressed so that we can make ourselves prepared. I’ve devised a rather ingenious plan with the help of my colleague and a friend.

Just imagine spending a relaxing evening with your girlfriend/ /wife and/or kids. A nice dinner is made and you sit at the table engaging in pleasant conversation. When dinner is done you move to the couch to watch a romantic comedy, because she gets off on it, something like “Love Actually.” If there are no kids present you start to become intimate with your significant other, you go down on each other and then move into the bathroom. After mind blowing shower sex you dry off your woman gently, slowly. Then you carry her to bed where you start it all over again, getting lustier and lustier – she doesn’t usually like doggy style and never agrees to reverse cowgirl – but it is your night. Eventually you fall asleep in one anothers arms. Not long after, you wake up to her mouth around your penis and she doesn’t mind that you don’t return the favor. You both wake up to the sun and she goes to do the dishes, make you breakfast and do the dishes again. Sounds good right? Yeah. Now imagine a life with zombies. Sucks in comparison, I know. So what do you do? You put up boards in the windows and they just tear them down. So you move deeper into your house and barricade the door with a wardrobe, dresser and television. But they break through with their damned persistence. So you somehow get out through the tiny bathroom window and run. You run but they persistently follow because unlike you, they don’t tire and they smell your sweet, sweet marrow and brains. Maybe you’re unlucky and the zombies chasing you can power-walk or even run. What do you do now? Where do you go? Luckily for you, you remember reading Simon’s In the Event of the Undead Rising Plan. And luckily for you, the plan starts out simple enough by plotting out something so obvious, even in your hysteria you’re going to remember.

Step 1: Get to your nearest gun store, or even better, Wal-Mart. I would suggest heading directly to a Wal-Mart because they have so much more than guns. But taking the time to gather supplies is a dangerous business if you can’t protect yourself. Grab whatever weapons and appropriate ammunition you can, but get a rifle at the very least (and a scope if you can) – if you can shoot them far off you won’t need to shoot them close up. And remember to aim for their heads. If you’re no good at aiming, you will be.

Step 2: Gather supplies. Canned goods, other non-perishables, water, alcohol, sleeping bags, bedding, camping equipment, gas cans, guns & ammunition, knives, chainsaws, hammers, cookware, batteries, flashlights, hot plates, gum, baseball bats, beef jerky, chains, binoculars, socks, clothes, shoes/boots, hats, sunscreen, tobacco products, rod & reel, radio, and books – specifically how to books. Wal-Mart should sell most of these things. If you feel there’s some survival item you’ll need, head to your nearest sporting good store at your own risk. Once you have all your supplies, stash it on the roof of Wal-Mart and set yourself up there.

Step 3: Regroup. Survivors will flock to Wal-Mart for the same reason as you, supplies. They’ll show up before, during or after the same time you do so when you see them, be kind – they’re going through the same shit as you. Take the time to rest and practice shooting at any nearby zombies – there should be plenty. Then take charge of the situation and survivors – if you happen to be at the Wal-Mart Sam or I am at, submit, we know what we’re doing and we’ll get you out of there. Most of them will want to hold out there forever. To what end, I ask you? What you need to convince them of is that they’re not safe. You’re all surrounded. What you need to do before too many zombies gather is get a large van, SUV, bus or moving type truck, load up the supplies you need and get the hell out of there. If they ask where you’re supposed to go, name the nearest large body of water.

Sub-step 3: Be a man. I pray that should the undead rise en masse, Sam is by my side. I know that if we’re together, we’ll survive and even flourish. If whatever virus makes people zombies is passed to Sam, I’d sympathize. I cook him steak or whatever meal becomes known as a “fine meal” and then we’d watch the sun go down while sipping scotch and smoking pipes or cigars, talking about our epic adventures and shooting the shit in general. But then I’d blow his mother fucking brains out. And I know he’d do the same. If you’re bit by a zombie, you’re fucked. There’s no cure, so man up and tell those people in your party that you haven’t got long. Be generous and give them a fighting chance. I would. Likewise, don’t be a pussy and blow that person’s head off, after giving them an appropriate goodbye. And don’t wait until they “turn.” Make it understood that anyone who contracts the “virus” dies. And be on the lookout for any strange behavior or flu-like symptoms, which would give away that someone is turning; chances are no one is going to tell you about being bit until just before they turn, when you’re both naked and unarmed.

Step 4: Road trip. Drive. Drive and don’t stop for anything short of gas. Take gas with you if you can. Get yourself and your party to water, preferably an ocean.

Step 5: Get onto a ship or yacht that is in harbor. There is no research that suggests zombies can swim. Pick something large enough to live on for an extended period of time. And after you lay claim to said ship, search every part of it for signs of zombies, kill them and get them overboard. Then move in. Don’t get overzealous here, there’s no reason for you to leave port. Just get the gangplank up and you’re in a defensible fortress with everything you need at your fingertips. If you run out of perishable food, you can fish, if you get low on ammo you can form scouting parties to search in land. Leaving port would be a last case scenario.

Step 6: Rebuild. With civilization crumbling and your motley crew of survivors it’s up to you to start society over. Grab a “Dummies” guide to radio broadcast and send out an ever repeating message that you are where you are and people are welcome – be sure to openly state that you don’t want douche bags, pussies, or male porn stars, but that all beautiful intelligent people, women mostly, are welcome. If/when people show up, have them strip down so you can make sure they’re not infected and then let them on. Come up with a system for population growth, so that you’re not encouraging STDs and remember, no means no.

Step 7: Expand. There are only so many people on this planet or on your particular land mass. If you can, push the undead back, get yourself a little piece of land that you can use to grow fruits and vegetables, or even livestock. There is nothing to suggest that the undead don’t live a life span, so survive and expand. 

Things to remember: I will be following this plan to the letter and so should you. Beer expires long before wine and liquor does so drink that first, unless you have the means to produce it. In such a troubled time, people will be looking to natural leaders for guidance, but they will turn on you if you let the power go to your head, there are no laws after all, so be benevolent and do what is good for everyone. If you come across Sam or myself, be thankful, we’re badasses and have a plan. Ladies, if you’re reading this, we can protect you and make you feel the way you like to feel. If you’d like to find Sam or myself in the even this all occurs, we’ll be aboard the perfectly defensible USS Ronald Reagan with it’s 5,500 person capacity, two nuclear reactors, stores of ammunition and gasoline. 

Posted by Simon