An Unrealistic Boyfriend

So, I was perusing Facebook (a gold mine for research in the Theory of Everything) and I found this post under the title "A Real Boyfriend..." Well, my partner and I decided this could not stand, as it is the most inaccurate description of a "perfect boyfriend" ever. It also outlines why women are completely crazy and out of their minds. Here is our commentary on the idea of a "Real Boyfriend". ~Sam

Don't care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now.... I dont care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson.....just read this, it will make a difference.....

Sam: Sort of odd to begin a romantic thing with a hermaphroditic Michael Jackson joke. Doesn't really set the mood.
Simon: It won't really make a difference.

When she stares at your mouth

[ Kiss her ]

Sam: Great advice. Top notch.
Simon: Redirect her attention by glancing at your crotch or unzipping your pants.

When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you

[ Grab her and dont let go ]

Sam: I advise men to never date a girl who is delusional enough to think she is stronger than you. But if you do, I advise giving her a forearm shiver to the face to remind her if this situation ever arises.
Simon: Get her on the floor, straddle her and pin her arms under your knees and then tickle her until she pees herself. Strength is no match for humiliation.

When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff

[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

Sam: That sentence should read "When she starts cursing you trying to act all tough (I refuse to spell it like they do here), remind her she has gained seven pounds since you have started dating. Then proceed to take her outside and lock her out of the house."
Simon: Ignore her and return your attention to the program you're watching or game you're playing.

When she's quiet

[ Ask her whats wrong ]

Simon: Savor the moment.
Sam: Enough said.

When she ignores you

[ Give her your attention ]

Sam: Savor the moment.
Simon: Ignore her back. Girls want what they can't have and she'll return to you immediately.

When she pulls away

[ Pull her back ]

Sam: And then say "Don't you DARE pull away from me when I am talking to you!! UNDERSTAND ME!!"
Simon: Let her go, she has a long list of chores and your meal to prepare.

When you see her at her worst

[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

Sam: Evaluate the relationship. If you can't handle her at her worst, time to get the fuck out.
Simon: He's right. The modern woman should never let you see her at her worst, that's what cosmetics are for.

When you see her start crying

[Just hold her and dont say a word ]

Sam: Pop open a six pack, it's gonna be a long night of talking.
Simon: Give a heavy sigh so she knows you're listening only because you're obligated to, this might even get you out of it.

When you see her walking

[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

Sam: Then prepare your sexual harassment defense for the fact that you just ass hugged the wrong girl on a crowded street with plenty of witnesses.
Simon: Follow her at a safe distance, she's been acting shady lately and it's time you get to the bottom of it.

When she's scared

[ Protect her ]

Sam: This one pisses me off. FROM WHAT??!?!?! You live in the suburbs!!!! There is nothing to protect you from!!!! STOP BEING A WUSSY!!!!
Simon: Protect her? She's scared, that could be of anything. A moth makes most girls jump. What if she's late? Does she want you punching her in the baby maker?


When she steals your favorite hoodie

[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

Sam: Or steal all her underwear and put hot sauce right where her vagina sits. That'll teach her.
Simon: She's probably just washing it, so expect it returned to you in a few hours, cleaned and pressed.


When she teases you

[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

Sam: The downside to this is you end up letting a joke slip out about how her brain is smaller than yours and she refuses to touch you for a week.
Simon: Tease her right back to the point of tears; you wear the pants in the relationship and you're authority will not be threatened.

When she doesn't answer for a long time

[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

Sam: Walk away. She can't gain the upper hand like this. Plus what are the circumstances? What if you tell her "I have given you AIDS." Do you then reassure her if she doesn't respond for awhile? Oh wait, yes that does work there.
Simon: What is there to reassure her of? If she doesn't answer for a while and you're having a serious conversation, you know what's coming, so end things first - on your terms. You're not a bitch, are you?

When she looks at you with doubt

[ Back yourself up ]

Sam: What the hell does this mean? As in call all your friends, a rumble is going down? Make a good point then say to yourself "Damn right, man you got it!!!"
Simon: Look deep into her eyes silently and with a hurt face for several seconds (they'll seem like an eternity to her) and lie. Flat out lie.

When she says that she likes you

[SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!]

Sam: This really doesn't make sense, and just proves girls are irrational and can maintain a train of thought for about 7 seconds before they once again begin to think about how much they love themselves and are better than men. I mean how does that work? Girl: "I really like you." Guys internal response: "HOLY SHIT!! SHE DOES MORE THAN I COULD EVER UNDERSTAND!!!! THIS GIRL IS AMAZING!!!!"
Simon: Ask her how much she likes you. See how far she's willing to go based on that one statement. If she doesn't put out then and there, don't sweat it, she didn't like you to begin with.


When she grabs at your hands

[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]

Sam: Say "Stop that, that's really fucking annoying when I'm driving."
Simon: Grab her hand, examine her nails and make a condescending sound that says how disappointed you are in her that she hasn't maintained your hygiene and beauty standards in a girlfriend.

When she bumps into you

[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

Sam: Either walk away or check her into the wall Hockey style. Then stand over her and say "How'd that feel?? Not in my house, bitch. I am the MAN!!"
Simon: Bumping her will make her laugh? Girls have no sense of humor.

When she tells you a secret

[ keep it safe and untold ]

Sam: Tell your best guy friend over Xbox Live as you mow down some Japanese dudes in COD: World at War and have a good laugh.
Simon: What he said, except feel free to embellish as you see fit.

When she looks at you in your eyes

[ dont look away until she does ]

Sam: To quote Admiral Akbar, "It's a trap!!!" This sounds like a plan for an evil witch disguised as your girlfriend to hypnotize you. Run. Fucking run.
Simon: I play that game with my dog.

When she says it's over

[ she still wants you to be hers ]

Sam: Don't believe her, girls never finish before guys. It's nature.
Simon: Thank God you got out before she sucked out your soul. Tell your guy friends if need be and let them tell you what a crazy bitch she was.


When she reposts this bulletin

[ she wants you to read it ]

Sam: Don't. She never reads what you want her to read.
Simon: Sam is right; it's always a one-way street with chicks.

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

Sam: Why?
Simon: If she wants to not talk to me while we're talking, she can buy an Xbox and Xbox Live so that I don't waste potential roll-over minutes on her silence.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

Sam: What if she's mad she found out you went to Hooters despite you telling her you wouldn't go anymore? This answer seems counterproductive there.
Simon: Give her space; call your friends and go to a bar.

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

Sam: Or trust your girlfriend to tell the truth and use that as an out to get the hell out of this conversation.
Simon: Let her play her game and let the conversation end. If she doesn't want to man-up and get to the heart of the problem that's for her to deal with.

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

Sam: Is this connected to anything? What does that even mean? Because of what? For not believing her when she says its okay? WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO!?!?!?!
Simon: Goddamn right she'll remember me.

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

Sam: No.
Simon: She wouldn't appreciate it and it's incriminating. Why were you out? You were drinking of course. And why weren't you with her to celebrate the first minutes of her birthday? Because you were out drinking without her. That's what will be running through her mind.

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

Sam: No.
Simon: Women need to know that you can survive without them. You survived for many years before she came along, remind her of that.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

Sam: No.
Simon: I hate being sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.

Sam: Only if I get some sort of recompense and it isn't any show with the word "girl" in the title, such as "Gilmore Girls", or "Gossip Girl".
Simon: Be sure to buy wine - you can get drunk and she'll think you're classy.

- Give her the world.

Sam: Could you be a little more vague please?
Simon: Buy her a globe.

- Let her wear your clothes.

Sam:  Only after sex.
Simon: And only your shirt.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

Sam: Yes, that's a PERFECT time for a fun-filled night of laughter and gaiety.
Simon: Give her a massage. Kiss here where you are massaging her while you're massaging her and eventually she'll want to do you. With a little effort on your part the night won't be a total waste.

- Let her know she's important.

Sam: I'm not really sure how. Maybe a totally bullshit and unrealistic list written by a girl who has never had a boyfriend will help me.
Simon: Girls are needy and no matter how much you tell her this, it won't be enough; better just to do the bare minimum so that you can at least say you've told her so.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

Sam: Tried it. It fucking SUCKS. I would rather be dead, or anything else.
Simon: I'd rather sit on a porch with a cigar and glass of alcohol, shooting the shit with my pals.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;

"Who's ass am I kicking baby?"

Sam: Girlfriends response: "What? What are you talking about? My grandfather just died you weirdo. That's it, we're done." Guy: "That Facebook bulletin on a Real Boyfriend has cocked blocked me about 30 times."
Simon: Men have died because they've gotten into fights because of their women. Calm her irrational ass down.

If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

Call you.

Kiss you.

Love you.

Text you.

Sam: Is it in that order? At the same time? Is that the priority? Is texting really the epitome of what girls want? WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SHIT AND PICKED THIS ORDER!?!?!
Simon: I'd be more inclined to post this if there was threat of never finding my true love.

Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."

Sam: And the girl you "love" would read this, think "Awwwwwwwww... that's SOOOO SWEET!!!!" Then she'd go fuck a Biker.
Simon: I'd let you be my boyfriend if you could do all this.

Girls post as: "A real Boyfriend"

Sam: Then go eat a tub of ice cream and cry because no guy worth a shit would ever, ever, ever, EVER do this crap. Maybe one or two of these ideas are passable, but as a whole, shoot me in the crotch.
Simon: That sounds like a movie featuring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson.